Just a little rant

What is the purpose of life? That is the ultimate question. RIGHT!! we All want to know….what is the purpose of being human. Whaat am i hear for?!!

We are not just human, we are soul. If I’ve learned anything from exploring my spiritulity and being human It’s that the soul is eternal. We come from the stars made of atoms and star dust. We live on more than one plain at a time. One is our physical being the other is our eternal soul. I’m learning as I go..who I am, who I was, who I am becoming and unbecoming. Unlearning the things that circumstance has taught me, fight or flight. I’ve faught all the dragons. It’s time to embrace me. I am eternal…..we are eternal beings…….connected by the universe…… the stars, GOD, divinity, we are part of the ocean, the moon, the earth. Conected like the tides of the seas are to the moon.

We are eternal beings living a physical life tempararly. To learn what we needed to know.

To come to earth to help others. To go through the strugles, to learn the things we need to know, To help others, even if its just a moment in time.

There is never enough time!

I’ve felt lost most of my life, yurning to be loved, not feeling i belonged, chasing that feeling. Unconditional love constantly looking to the moon for answers. Looking in the stars for GOD. Wishing on the shooting stars…

It’s all around us all, around me and you and within us, it is in our souls. Life is all about the journey. It is the actual baby steps we make, the leasons we learn as we go, the mistakes we make. We have what we need we just have to pay attention to what is around us. 

To be greatful for the little things. Having a roof over my head, the morning coffee, to be able to pay my bills, breath the air, see the colors of life, listen to the trees, the birds. listen to the ocean crashing into the earth. All the things in the sea that are unexplored like the universe. A sea of mystery. Mesmerizing, ever flowing in and out like the sound of breath.

To become who we are we must ebrace the darkness because without it we could not see the light. I’m surrendering to who I have become. In spite of what the world has thrown at me.

It’s me, I am me, I am happy. I LOVE the light of the day, the clouds, the sky the birds flying by. How the rivers flow from the top of mountains to the sea. Nourshing the forest as they flow.

The darkness……brings the stars….. they are mesmerizing, beautiful, shinning so bright in the night.

https://youtu.be/hXC3Tso1goc

The universe is made up of so many things. More than we could ever understand or comprehend. The realms of this universe collide from time to time and I feel it. I feel it in my soul. It’s beautiful and wonderous. There are bigger things at work here.

Watch “Birdtalker – Heavy (Official Video)” on YouTube

It’s not about the veiws its about the healing..loss is a fikle thing. some days the words pour out and some days they dont. i was getting alot of healing and the last 2 years the weight of the world has felt heavy. so here is another song to help the healing.

We don’t deserve dogs

Never thought that after 11 years. It would come to this…we’ve been thru everything together ❤ my little furry friend. Heaven is waiting for you..Just enjoy the moments we have left..Prepared for the end..how many months will we have..what do … Continue reading

Do not be Sitting idlely by…

Did you ever wonder why…

When inside the abusive relationship.

You lost all your friends. .

Why your family members don’t understand.

The truth is…they don’t understand. Maybe it’s more….it’s hard to sit by and watch your loved one endure the pain, listen to there calls for help, but not know how to help them. You feel helpless, but remember not as much as they do.

YOU think your helping by telling them to just leave and will all be ok.

Inside the relationship of abuse (speaking about emotional here) emotional abuse is probally a worse kind, the scars dont show on the outside, the words forever haunt you, you think once you’re out, thats it. It’s not, the mental abuse and damage you have endured last a life time. I’m no talking about, like you can see it. You CANT its deep inside. We repeat those horible words they said over and over in our head until we learn to love who we are and heal from the trama. ptsd, codependency, or dont forget the memory loss..that shit is real and frustrating as hell. Then years of therepy, just to find out we can heal ourself…..what!!!

you have all the tools to heal… you just have to find them.

Some days the only way out is the suicidal thoughts that come into your mind, my kids saved my life a number of times. They have no idea…One day I was so stuck in it..no one knows this but, I was driving home and there is this little ridge to turn off. The thought came into my head..what if i just kept driving straight into the gardrail and down the ridge..would I die instantly, would I be so injured he would have to come to my rescue. Then I stopped the car, put it in park and sat there, light my cigarette..stayed for the length of the cig. Well if I die, he will be stuck with these kids and then what, hes going to lie to my children and they will never know who there mom truly was, a loving mother and caregiver, she gave up her life to birth them. NO I didn’t want them to have to have the heartbreak for a lifetime and endure more abuse from him. HOW do i get out of this..

It’s horrible to think that I even had that thought…… but you just don’t see a way out, they threaten to take your kids, make you look like the crazy one when you fight back and they makeup just to keep you in the cycle loop. So you stay, make dinner everynight, make their lunch, wash the cloths, give them all the sex they want, because they said they are sorry they will change, they are the only one who loves you. You give the kids baths and tuck them in at night, because thats what your supposed to do. You vows your faith in religon, till death do you part… right …. ugghhhh sooo Wrong!!!!

The problem is..When you’re in it…you can’t always see the way out..even when your loved ones say, “hey just leave”. .In your mind it’s not that easy to just get up and walk away. You have kids, pets, family, A life you thought you built together, and guilt that is not really yours.

The truth hurts, you get upset that your loved one’s are not staying by your side and they sometimes can’t because they don’t really know whats going on, they didn’t understand why you kept going back, they don’t know how to help you..

The threats are real.

As a victim: you are scared. The threats maybe so deep. Or serious physical harm is happening, or your guilt may be so grand that you physically and emotionally can’t just walk away.. there is no way out, you are trapped.

You need to feel safe and often times you do not.. or you were mentally abused so bad that it will take years after you leave to overcome.

Leaving: The leaving is never easy. Sometimes you go in and out of the relationship, eithier by manipulation or because you belive all the lies, oh wait…. still manipulation. Maybe you try to leave but go back because the threats are real. Either way leaving the situation is never easy. I wasn’t lucky the first time. The fight lasted long after and the court battle to get full custody of my daughter, it was brutal, the second one was a bit of a left feild moment. It was nothing short of miracle. My husband going to prison puts a lot of things into perspective for a lot of reasons.

Recovery: Oh you thought it was over. haha nope! Its been a long road to recovery. 7 years now, a year and a half of therapy or more. Since I have been going off and on my whole life, since I was 9years old, you know for my daddy issues and such.

More self discovery, a lot of reading books and learning/remembering who I am as a person. learning what my soul mision is. A lot of crying, insomnia, weight loss and weight gain, and loss and gain. Self descovery, lots of reading self help and how to manifest your desires. A lot of Youtube, ya know before tiktok was around..lol A lot of diving in and out of dating…not recomended until you actually knw your worth, because those wrong ones will find you for sure..espessially when youve been starved for attention..be carefull with your own heart..

Learning how to trust people, haha that’s a hard one. A few bad relationships or ones that just dont last. Learning how to create bounderys, and finally learing how to love myself, and know deep down you are worthy of love, real love, letting people in again. Learning what I want in not only relationships romanticly but in my friendships.

It takes two, in every sence of the word. loosing friends is still not easy, but

The recovery part, will be a long process, baby steps…

Yes life is short and it gets shorter by the minute, hate to break it to you, But It’s worth it.

I feel free now…. more than I ever have. Free from most lies, free from manipulation, free from the bullshit that ultimately doesn’t even matter. “will it matter in 5 years”

Recovery is not just your job but you have to do it…You have to start somewhere, because you have to now fix your children and hep them recover from the damage these relationships have done to them. In hopes that its not permanate. The hard part is that it is permanent, and your job now is to help them navigate and learn how to set boundries that you didn’t teach them before.

Not only that, but we have to break those soul contracts and break the boundries of the reality that is our soul mision. “Ooh that came out of left feild….Well it’s been a long short road. I’ve learned who I am again, and again and well, my beleif’s have morphed into who I really am. No more supression of my true self, no more constitutions telling me who I am. Learning to navigate without getting stuck down a worm hole.

I notice that I was unable to look anyone in the eyes…for a long time. One time I went to a doctors office and the front desk clerk looked me in my eyes, very happy to say hello to me. It was a shalk to my system. Wow what was wrong with me why did that mke me so uncomfortable. Well part of my healing and self discovery was that I needed to do it.

Oh the anxiety, medication is good for this, it comes with the recovery. Fight or Flight mechanizum’s are broken at this point. Always in flight mode, I had to learn how to servive all the time for way to many years. I learned that my anxiety was no longer needed, I had to start telling myself I was safe..I’m safe my kids are safe. We are safe.

step 1 get out so once you leave and are free and disconnected

Okay you are alone, lonley, now what?

step 2 learn to love yourself, say nice things to yourself, (i realize this sounds dumb) and when those thoughts of negitivaty come change the frases in you mind. This part takes practice, tons of it… I wrote them on a mirror, you are beautiful, you are worthy of unconditional love. you are confident..etc.

everyday for 30 days until you believe it….

I’m going to refine this and hopefully make steps to help others. I hope this starts you on your journey and you know you are never alone. Help is out there if you ask..

Talk To Someone Now

https://www.quora.com/Im-going-through-an-emotional-crisis-but-am-not-suicidal-What-are-some-numbers-I-can-call-so-that-someone-can-listen-and-help-me-through-this

Watch “Train – Calling All Angels” on YouTube

SOME MUSIC FEELING: We need to call on our angels for protection, for guidence and for faith… We are in times of need and faiths will be tested. What ever you may belive in, I hope that this gives to the reasurance that Angels are real and they protect and guide you throughout your life.

It’s been 5 years since..

Wow, 2021

It’s been a long time since I last wrote anything substanial. A long journey to get here. I’ll have to start by telling you, I’ve started a book then decided it was a burn book. It’s my shadow work. I’m still trying to figure out how it will help someone else, before I publish. Maybe something to publish later in life once we are far from the reality of the emotional conection. My soul journey has moved forward. I’m still a prophetic empath, with some phsyic abilities, light worker, earth angel. Angel numbers coming in daily. My soul mission has not changed. I’m learning to love who I am and trust the universe. Number one step, love yourself.

The journey has been long, fighting dragons along the way. Learning to love my enviornment and make it my own.  A few relationships that have been very strategic in my life lessons. Opening up to manifesting your desires, and the universal law of attraction. Learning that life is what you make of it. Jobs lost and found, a FUCKING PANDOMONIC.  We all felt that one.

Sharing a home and then, being let down again. Learning that I have to be true to who I am no matter what others do. Learning to move thru the lesson as quickly as possible to get to the next one. And sometimes you have to be alone. I had to appoligize to my kids for putting them thru so much. At one point we had a family melt down,it was healing and revealing.

I’m learning who I really am, what I am ment to do on this planet earth. What I have always known deep inside. How to set boundries, how to let go of trama. How to break soul contracts, and break those generational curses. 

If you have beliefs whatever religion, I respect that. However what I’m about to show you, is not strickly Christian. It’s spirituality…its my soul mission. My beliefs are centered in christianity, but I have been shown the magic of life, and synchronicity. My reality has been opened to all other magical things, real, unseen and seen realities, Spiritual, magical, Maybe a litty witchy at times. Soul Awakening level 3D to 5D for those that know.

My spiritual transformation as you will. My journey has been a life time in the making. 42 years this september, but 7 years hard leveling up. Sharing with the world as i learn and grow….

Brought to you by the angel numbers 911,711,1111, 711, 444,all the 4444s the lst 2 years, 333, 222,711…and many synchronicities.